I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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