I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
