It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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