My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
