Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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