i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
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