dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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