it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
