someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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