I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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