i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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