he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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