So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
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Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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