Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
