i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
