i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
