I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
