I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
