i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
