Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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