so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
