saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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