also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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