I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
