I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
