Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
