Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
