two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
