i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
