I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
