I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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