is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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