Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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