Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
