I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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