my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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