That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
