I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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