She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
