if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
