someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
