Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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