Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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