I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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