He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
