Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
