The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
