I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You are the jesus of drinking
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
