I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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