I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
