Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
