last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
