she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
