Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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