It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
