We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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