Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
