God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
