fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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