Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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